Menu Home

Advice – How do I have better sex? (NSFW)

“Every man I’ve ever been with sexually (especially my husband, who I can barely tell when he is in) thinks sex ends when they cum. I am barely warmed up when they do, due to lack of foreplay. My husband cums within 5 minutes, and it’s completely over. When we first got together 5 ish years ago, he was still a virgin, so I let it pass, thinking it would get better over time. It didn’t. He also likes to wait an hour minimum before even considering a round 2. I admit that it is very hard for me to cum, especially because I have a very hooded clit.

My husband agreed to open the marriage so I could supposedly get better sex. I do in the fact that he does last a decent amount longer, but once again, no foreplay. My boyfriend doesn’t like doing any kind of foreplay with me because he doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t do oral because he can’t find my clit to mess with at the same time like he used to do with past girlfriends. He also doesn’t like fingering me because I’m too tight for him to get 2 fingers in. I feel awful because those were his favorite things to do until he got with me. I keep telling him I love it when he does, but he refuses.

My gyno says it’s very impressive that after close to 15 years of sex, that I still feel like a virgin (even to her, and she’s used to having her hands in vaginas). I’m wondering what I can do to enhance the sexual experience for me so that myself and my SO can also enjoy it with me.

Only one guy has ever gotten me to orgasm, and that was only twice, and several years ago. We did not stay together long because my mother was a bitch and hated him. My husband thinks he has gotten me once, maybe twice, which he views as an accomplishment, but he never has. I just let him think he did so I don’t hurt his feelings.

I have been considering finding a new partner for sex only. I’ve tried to do self love in the past, but I can’t bring myself to actually do it. I got this bill to you every time I even think about trying it, let alone actually trying to do it. It’s most likely because I was brought up in a very Christian home that told you anything like that was bad. They brought me up to think that self-love is a sin, and you should get your sexual satisfaction from men, but only after marriage. There are against any kind of relationship other than one woman being with one man forever. They do not believe in divorce, open marriage, or living together before getting married. I’m very open to the idea of sleeping with the female to try and spice things up, but there’s not really anyone around here that I know of that would do that. Most want a relationship and the men are not really supportive of that. I’m guessing because they’re afraid the woman will be able to bring sexual pleasure, where they can’t. I will have to talk to them about it again.

I appreciate any suggestions you may have for them, or myself. You may also pm me if you have any questions or answers. Thanks in advance!”

Audrey Lover on /r/nonmonogamy.

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

Dear Audrey Lover,

I’ve heard from so many other partners of cis men that their ejaculation always ends the sexual encounter. And as one particular cis man, I am personally astounded at how completely out of touch that sounds. It’s almost like people forgot that their penis isn’t the only sexual appendage they can use. Just because a penile ejaculation means they can no longer have satisfying penis-in-vagina intercourse does not mean that they can’t use their tongues, their lips, and their fingers to please you.

First things first, you need to come clean with both your husband and your boyfriend that you are not having very satisfying sex lives with either of them, and make timely and sensible adjustments to improve your sex lives. Doing anything less than honestly communicating your sexual headspace is doing disservice to your own self and to them who might think they’re doing a great job. This doesn’t mean that you are critiquing their style of lovemaking. What you are aiming to do is:

  1. To assess the type of stimulation you personally enjoy (by playing alone first),
  2. To evaluate how you can implement those sensations into your sexual routines with your respective partners,
  3. To communicate what you learned with your partners,
  4. Then to hold your partners accountable to have the level of intimacy that works for both of you.

Each of those steps are admitted a lot easier said than done. So I’ll focus on the individual steps in this post.

Assess the type of stimulation you personally enjoy

As someone who was also raised Christian, I hear you when you say that the church has indoctrinated you to think that self-love is a sin. It is also really interesting to hear you say that you feel like your sexual pleasure is entirely dependent on your husband’s performance because…

  1. That is not at all true for lesbian couples comprised of two cis AFAB women;
  2. It directly implies that you are not entitled to your own pleasure if you are born a woman.

Both of those ideas are incredibly toxic and damaging. Let’s make this loud and clear for everyone to hear.

You are in charge of seeking your own sexual pleasure.

We don’t currently have the kind of brain-linking technology where your sexual partners can also directly experience the sexual pleasure you feel. In the meantime, you will have to communicate the kind of sensations you do enjoy and the sensations you don’t enjoy. So you’ll have to first figure out what you personally like and enjoy. And the best way to do so is to explore what you like through porn and masturbation. If you haven’t already invested in a vibrator, I strongly suggest you to do so. There are different types of vibrators that you should try out. There are the bullet vibrators that pinpoint the vibration directly onto your clitoris. Then there are larger bulb-shaped “massagers” that envelop most of your vulva – clitoris, labias majora, and minora – to provide a more pressure-sensitive vibration. And there are g-spot vibrators that you insert to stimulate the g-spot that is right inside the vaginal entrance long before you get to the cervix. I’ve also heard of many cis women who enjoy using their showerhead for their pleasure as well as that provides a very intense sensation on their clitoris if aimed correctly. So you will have to try out a couple different kinds to make sure you can find a vibrator that works for you.

Remember, there are a thousand different ways to feel sexual pleasure and no one person is going to have the same exact set of sensations they enjoy as another. You are perfectly normal the way you are and this is just an adventure to discover that which you and your body is entitled to.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Evaluate how you can implement those sensations

After you’ve figured out the kind of sensation you like, the next thing to do is to figure out how you can make those sensations a part of your sexual routine. You’ve had five years of history to know what your husband is and isn’t capable of in the bedroom. But do your best to overlay what you’ve discovered in your self-exploration phase onto the kinds of sex you would like to have with your husband and your boyfriend, respectively.

If you really liked the pressure-based stimulation, your partners should be able to grind their hips – regardless of the hardness of their penises – directly onto your vulva without the insertion. If not, it can be very pleasurable for your partners to thrust their thighs or palms into vulva for that same pressure-sensation.

If you strongly preferred the clitoral stimulation, your partners have tongues and fingers. I hate the idea that foreplay needs to come before intercourse because it really should be the farthest thing from the truth for the most sexually compatible couples. Your partners can definitely use their tongues, their lips, and their tongue before, in between, and after ejaculation. So for example, if your husband usually cums in five minutes, you can pause the PIV intercourse at the two or three minute mark where he needs to eat you out for two or three minutes.

If you prefer the g-spot stimulation, do I have a video for you. Watch that video a couple times. Not everyone will squirt from a g-spot stimulation, and that kind of stimulation can be very intense without the proper warm up. And if you struggle with even two fingers in, you’ll have to go really slow at first until you are properly lubricated for such stimulation on your most sensitive spots of your body.

Communicate what you’ve learned

After you finished doing the projection work, now is the time to communicate your findings with your partners. Share with them what you’ve found through masturbation and share with them what you think your discovery means for each of your partners respectively.

If your partners are worth their weight and not just looking to get their dicks wet, they will hear what you have to say and celebrate your decision to figure out the kind of sex you want to have with them.

There are a couple ways you can communicate your needs. Sharing what you learned is already a great start. But I strongly recommend establishing a boundary to get your needs met. If it oral stimulation you want more of, you can establish a personal boundary that says, “I will not have penis-in-vagina intercourse with a partner who will not perform oral sex on me for X amount of time.” Another productive way to communicate would be to outline the kind of sex you want to have long before you two even get in a sexual space together. I call it proactive consent, where you preemptively gather consent by discussing the kind of sexual acts you’d like to do onto yourself, to do upon each other’s bodies, and/or to experience together. After you are both out of your sexual headspace, be prepared to openly discuss what worked and what didn’t work for you. Acknowledge and provide positive feedback for the things that worked for both of you while calling into light things that didn’t work for both of you.

Another way to approach this phase is to take their penises out of the sexual equation entirely. Contrary to common beliefs, men’s erogenous zones are not only defined by their penis. Some men can orgasm reliably from stimulating their own g-spots through prostate stimulation. So communicate with your partners that while you personally enjoy their penises, it is not absolutely necessary for your sexual pleasure. If your orgasm track record is of any indication, their penises are in fact TERRIBLE for helping you get to orgasm. So work with them to learn how to please you.

I also want to point out here that it is NOT a big ask for them to go down on you. Don’t accept baseless excuses such as, “I don’t like the taste”, “This is taking too long”, “You have too much pubic hair”, or even “My neck is too tired”. Yeah. That last one is a legitimate excuse someone has used before.

You do not have to settle for substandard sex life. You accept the love you think you deserve. So imagine you accepting a greater love. The kind that will reciprocate.

Like I said, you are in charge of your own sexual pleasure. But that doesn’t mean that that particular journey has to be solitary.

Photo by DSD on Pexels.com

Hold your partners accountable

If you do decide to establish a boundary, get real comfortable saying no when your need are not met. A lot of cis women are socially conditioned to defer, to not say no, and to acquiesce / appease their partners. So it isn’t going to be easy enforcing this particular boundary. Your partners might get upset about this sudden glass wall on which they’ve smacked their faces against. But you need to be strong and stand by the reason you had to implement this boundary: in pursuit of a more satisfying sex life.

Your partners can each choose to come along with you as you continue to discover the kind of sex you like to have – extended oral, intense clitoral stimulation, and/or really drawn-out lovemaking. And if they don’t, they’ll be left behind to fend for themselves.

After all, isn’t it in their mutual best interest to make sure the partner they love so much is having the best sex?

If your partners continue to disregard your sexual boundaries, be prepared to de-escalate your sexual or romantic connections with each or both of your partners. Trust is built, not granted. And it requires trust to know that your boundaries will be respected and appreciated in your relationships. Partners who constantly do not honor your personal boundaries should not be partners for much longer.

Orgasm

And the last thing I want to talk about is orgasm.

Yours specifically.

You mentioned that your husband thinks that he was able to give you one or two orgasms even though he hasn’t. Let’s do some math. Assuming that you two have intercourse once a week, five years of history means that you two have had 250ish intercourses. According to this 2016 study, 95% of cis het men report that they orgasm reliably from PIV intercourse. So that means your husband has orgasmed around 237ish times in the past five years. And you haven’t even orgasmed once. In the industry, we call this the orgasm gap.

I would venture to say that your husband would be very upset if you halted sex before he was able to orgasm. Why aren’t you just as upset when he halts sex before you are able to orgasm? You are just as entitled to your orgasms just as much as he is. And just because he can reliably orgasm through a five minute PIV intercourse with you does not mean that he cannot take five or ten minutes to orally or digitally stimulate you to orgasm.

I’ve long been a proponent of the concept that orgasms are not absolutely necessary to healthy and happy sex lives. And some folks experience ejaculation without orgasm and vice versa. Sometimes, orgasms are just a great bonus on top of great sex. And really, sexual pleasure and sexual satisfaction are the only truly necessarily components to a good sex life. But if you feel that orgasms are necessary for you to enjoy your own personal sex life, stand by it.

Remember, you are in charge of seeking your own sexual pleasure. And you do not have to settle for substandard sex life.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

Categories: Advice

Tagged as:

teatimewithtomato

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: