“Hi so I’ve [21M] known this girl [21F] for two years and in the past year we’ve gotten super close to the point where we have two to three hour long calls when we wake up and before we sleep. Then in uni we’re always with each other. At this point I catch feelings.
But I know she has a boyfriend and rather than keeping it to myself and eventually resenting her for it, I decided to tell her fully expecting this to end the relationship and to move on.
But it didn’t. She told me she didn’t want to lose me and that I mattered just as much to her as her boyfriend does. So I wanted to see if we could work it out this way and to maintain a relationship where she knows I like her. And i asked her if she’s going to tell her boyfriend that I confessed. She said she won’t.
That’s where it seemed sketchy.
But anyways the months pass by and we’re closer than ever. We go on 1 on 1’s. Me liking her is an inside joke. Of course we end up flirting every once in awhile but there’s nothing physical.
My question is what’s she playing at? Am I her backup in case her current boyfriend fails? Does she actually like me but doesn’t want to break up with her boyfriend because of a reason like that? Because at this point I spend more time with her than her boyfriend does.
So is this something I should continue and see where it heads. Or should I eventually just cut it off.
Because don’t get me wrong. I like her a lot. But I have to be kind to my own feelings. Sometimes I break down because I’m just this side guy since I still see them together.”
Dear Mylo The Grey,
It sounds like she has been pretty clear about where she stood with you: a platonic friend. You just haven’t really accepted it yet.
You said yourself that you breakdown because of her monogamous relationship. This is not sustainable. Then it becomes your decision to establish some firmer personal boundaries regarding your connection to your friend. That could mean that you aren’t spending any more one-on-one calls or times with someone that you’re clearly attracted to with whom you cannot have a romantic relationship with.
You are not fair and unbiased in your friendship with her. But one of the ways she can be (unintentionally) benefiting from this one-sided relationship with you is that you do provide a bit of an ego boost and an emotional support in the ways that generally come with relationships. So if you for yourself decide that this half-assed relationship where she doesn’t necessarily have to honor your side of emotional labor, then continue ahead until you can’t anymore. Otherwise, be better and treat yourself with some respect by surrounding yourself with people who love you for who you are.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at email@example.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!