“My [25F] boyfriend [28M] “met” on /r/r4r. We’ve been talking all day every day for the past 2 months. Lots of FaceTime calls. He is visiting for the first time at the end of the month. We are in different states. He’s on the West Coast and I’m on the East Coast.
Now, to the advice I need. I never went through his history on Reddit. I never had the urge to. He gave me his main account and the throwaway but I never bothered checking through his history until today.
Almost everything he has told me is a contradiction from his posts. Examples: -He told me he wanted 2 kids, max. The history from like 2 months ago states he doesn’t want kids. -He told me had a friendship that he felt a romantic connection back in the summer with but hasn’t dated anyone in a while. Several posts mention his “lady,” as recently as 4 months ago. I’m scratching my head as to who his “lady” was.
I don’t even know how to bring that up to him. I’ve had months to go through it and I didn’t. And now, I’m starting to feel like I don’t even know him.
Last, but not least, all of his conversations with me are turning sexual. We’ve talked sexual in the past, but this is literally almost every message he sends to me. He’s told me in the past that when he visits (next week) we don’t have to do anything I’m not comfortable with. But, the messages he’s sending now states otherwise.
He dropped close to $1k for the visit here..flight and hotel. Now, I’m worried that I don’t know him. Now, I’m worried that he’s only coming here for sex. But, surely he wouldn’t spend that kind of money to get laid right?
So, please fellow Redditors. Give me advice. Do I trust what he’s posted online or what he’s told me? Do I believe that he’s truly coming here for me or just for sex?
I’m doubting everything right now. I’m positive I’m just in my own head.”
Dear Confused and Furious,
The first thought that came to my mind was that two months is an awfully short amount of time, even if you spoke for every single day. Clearly, you have discovered things about his personhood that is questioning the idea of who he has been with you for the past two months. But then again, I’ve had my fair share of intense two month flings and strong long distance connections that I could confidently claim to know all the important things about my partners at that point.
I will point out that neither of the things you pointed out are contradictory to what you’ve discovered about him. He could both have not wanted to have kids two months ago as he was talking about children online, while still wanting one or two kids with someone like you. And he can still feel a romantic connection with someone and refer to that person as a lady without explicitly dating. Stepping away from the specifics of what he is representing on his online persona and recognizing if the broad strokes of his online persona matches with his offline persona would be much more important in assessing whether he has been truthful with you.
What’s more concerning was the general tone of the messages leaning a little too heavy on sexual aspect. I am assuming that the “end of month” you referenced is the end of this month which is in a couple of days. And while I do think that there is a minor difference between “not doing anything you’re not comfortable with” and expecting sex when he comes into town, I think you should vocalize and communicate if you do want to set a specific boundary on not having sex the first time he comes over. It doesn’t matter how much money he has spent on the flight to and the stay at where you are staying; he is not “owed” any sex for visiting you. Sexual consent is proactive and continuous. And you are wholly within your own ethics to not pursue or stop pursuing any sexual relationship with anyone ever.
If he is the type to balk at actually not doing something you don’t feel comfortable doing, then your initial feelings of concerns are justified. Seeing him and interacting with him in person should give you a better idea of what you saw on his reddit profile than anything online strangers can tell you. You do know him the best out of all of us since you’ve talked to him every day for the past two months. So at least allow him an opportunity to be who he claims he is.