/u/rec_from_venus on /r/polyamory writes…

“(25m) I met her (24f) online and she was very open about her polyamory. Tbh it’s not something I’d ever thought I’d be able to participate in, but she’s so amazing that I can’t help but want to give it a shot.

One of my biggest fears is stepping on the husbands toes some how. I really like this girl but how much am I allowed to like her and want to be with her

I’ve communicated these fears with her and she says I shouldn’t worry but this is all so new and different for what I’m used to.”

Dear rec_from_venus,

That is a very valid fear to have.

Much of my advice here depends on how much experience your potential partner has had in polyamorous relationships. And everyone’s style of polyamorous relationships is distinct and unique based on personality and circumstance. So you’ll have to flesh out what some of her existing agreements are with her husband (and other partners too if there are any) and what kind of agreements/boundaries you’d need to establish with her as you explore your own relationship with her as well.

But I also think that it is important to point out one critical facet of polyamorous relationships: owning your own emotional labor.

A lot of folks in the poly community – especially newbies – can get caught up in trying to be too compassionate for their partners that they can’t make their own autonomous decisions regarding your own respective relationships. Trusting your partners to do their own chores and trust them to manage their own relationships is a major part of doing polyamorous relationships well. And most of that trust will come with time, as you witness what kind of relationship she has with her husband either first-hand as you spend more time around him or second-hand through your potential partner.

Good luck!