“I have recently finished reading the article at unicorns-r-us and I feel really hopeless and discouraged, while also feeling more educated which is great, but I don’t know where to go from here and I need help.
I don’t want to be greedy or toxic. I don’t want to add a woman to our relationship just because it sounds fun or use her like an added sex toy in the bedroom.
We want a third partner, one that we can support and love, and care for, while also receiving the same. We want her to live with us one day and make a life with us.
However so much of what I have been reading makes me feel like asking our third partner to be exclusive with us is damaging and wrong. We don’t want to start down this path if it isn’t something that we can achieve. Do we want something that doesn’t exist?
And if it does exist? How do we start? We have committed to no dating or flirting for 6 months while we talk through this and research and read and learn more about this lifestyle. I have never formally started a dating relationship with a woman, and I feel lost. I have been the secondary in a few poly relationships before my current one, and the female bonding and intimacy was amazing. My partner and I agree it would be wise to eventually put ourselves out there and see how it feels, navigating a relationship with a woman in conjunction with our current connection. How do I do that ethically? We don’t want to just add more notches to our bed post, but we also don’t want to pressure ourselves to bring in the first woman we find.”
Anonymous on /r/polyamory.
For folks who don’t know, polyfidelity (abb. poly-fi) is a specific form of ethical non-monogamy where folks in the non-monogamous relationship are not permitted to see others outside of the relationship or polycule. Depending on the size of the polycule, poly-fi can be synonymous with unicorn hunting (which is a couple introducing an attractive, bi woman into their relationship) or even a commune with multiple “poly-clusters”.
Poly-fi draws some comparison with a traditionally monogamous relationship where the two people in a dyad are not permitted to engage in outside emotional, romantic, or sexual connections; the only difference here between the unicorn-hunting version of poly-fi and traditional monogamy is simply the number of people in a relationship. This comparison is one of the reasons why poly-fi is surrounded by negativity. Some polyfolks are unfortunately so incredibly steeped in being so unapologetically polyamorous that, for them, monogamy is evil. For a lot of experienced polyfolks, autonomy is a core facet of their relationship philosophy. To lose autonomy means to lose themselves. In addition, all of this is wrapped up around the negative stigma around unicorn hunters, which is its own thing that you read about on Unicorns-R-Us.
It is good to have a vision of the kind of relationships you want to be a part of. But that speaks more about what you want and avoids the how and the why.
Let’s first dig deeper on why you want to be in a poly-fi arrangement. Based on what you’ve shared, it is clear that you want to develop very close and intimate connections with each of your partners. And you want the same for each of your partners. But why is it important that they don’t date anyone else? Why is it important that there exists a relationship escalator in your poly-fi arrangement? Is the depth of female bonding not something you feel like you can accomplish unless it is an explicitly exclusive relationship?
Just because you two like the same genre of movies doesn’t mean that you will like the same exact movies as your partner. As such, just because you two like women doesn’t mean that you two will like the same woman.
Think about what motivates you to lean toward poly-fi / unicorn hunting, and assess what is driving that initial mindset. And when you have the reasons, peel back the curtains a bit more and gather what insecurities are being triggered – for both you and your partner. Once you’ve laid all the cards out on the table, determine if this is still the style of non-monogamy you and your partner would like to pursue.
Now that you have the what and the why, let’s figure out the how.
It is very important to keep in mind that non-monogamous folks only represent a small fraction of the overall dating population. And there are a lot of small subsets within the ethically non-monogamous subgroup that are incompatible with each other. The more restrictions you add on, the more difficult it’ll be to find a suitable match.
One of the main arguments against unicorn hunters is that there are many, many, many more unicorn hunters than there are unicorns. And as unicorn hunters, you’ll be swimming upstream against unicorns who have a lot of other incredibly attractive options available. This will make that “exclusivity” discussion really difficult to have, since you and your partner will not be coming from a position of power for this negotiation.
Let’s assume for the sake of this discussion that you and your partner did find a person you were all mutually attracted to. The one of the biggest challenge in an existing dyad becoming a new triad is in the complexity of the dynamic. I wrote about some challenges that a new triad might face in a column about five months ago.
In that column, I’ve outlined the four different connections that will have to be maintained as compared to the one currently between you and your partner. You’ll have to develop your connection with your new partner. You mentioned that you’ve never been in a formal relationship with another woman. So the first steps there will be very clunky, like the first time you started dating a man. Your partner will also have to establish and develop his connection with his new partner. If they’ve both had experiences dating folks of other gender, their journey will be a bit better paved from previous experiences. In addition to developing your connection with your new partner and allowing your partner to develop his connection with his new partner, you will have to continue building on your foundation with your current partner. It is going to feel really difficult to funnel NRE to your old relationships when the new channel feels more rewarding and responsive. The last connection to develop and maintain is the one you’ll have as a triad. Dating as three dyads is relatively straight forward; go on dates like you normally used to, except you each have two partners. But dating as a triad is a whole new experience.
In addition to all of this, you’ll have to learn to manage your jealousy and insecurity in a completely different way than what you have experienced previously as a secondary partner. Watching your partner fall deeply in love with another person with whom you are still forging your own connections with is so difficult to do, and not a skill you’ve had a chance to develop quite yet.
Now let’s talk about de-establishing existing couple’s privilege.
You and your partner have built a relationship together. And with it comes existing privileges and descriptive hierarchies both you and your partner will have to deconstruct. You and your partner have had a lot of time to establish yourselves as a couple among your respective family and friends. If your and your partner’s family or friends are not as accepting of your polyamorous orientation, then that is an explicit privilege that your new partner will not be able to access. Same applies for your new partner’s situation as well.
Then there is the added burden of the current living situation. It sounds like you and your partner currently nest together. Asking another person to come live at a place where she didn’t originally get to choose herself is a lot to ask for. It wasn’t a space she chose, but one someone else has determined for her. Are both of you open to moving to a new place at the behest of your new partner without triangulating her into submission?
But the most apparent privilege that you and your partner face is in the very language of your post.
Notice how you personally identify the new partner as a woman while you and your partner function under the pronoun “we.” She isn’t just a woman, even if she is hypothetically; she is a person. That is an inherent couple’s privilege that you’ll have to deconstruct and avoid in the future. Also, recognize that your new partner isn’t just a third. That implies a numeric hierarchy in that you and your current partner are first and second, and therefore come before your respective connections with your new partner. That will also add a new layer of emotional labor you and your current partner will have to commit to.
It is easy to get caught up on the idealistic vision of the relationships you want to have as it sets our sight on the future we’d like to be a part of. But it is even more important to be grounded in realistic expectations.
You can’t just jump into an Olympic-size swimming pool without first learning to swim in a kiddie pool first, yeah? In the same way, skiping ahead to full-on poly-fi without learning how to do polyamory is going to spell disaster.
I would personally advise for you and your partner to take things very slowly, only adding a new facet when you are both ready for that next step.
You need to experience and learn a bit more about same sex relationships before you also add your current partner into the picture. You might also want to try out more non-hierarchical relationships before you think about getting into a triad. Developing a sense of fairness in your relationships even without your two partners intersecting is the best way for you to learn how to manage your distinct and unique relationships. This will also help you learn to manage your guilt and your current partner learn how to manage his sense of insecurity and jealousy. Ethical triads should by default be non-hierarchical that strives to achieve fairness and equity in all connections within the triad relationship.
Once you have done all your prep work, the most ethical way to go about finding yourself in a triad is to be upfront and honest with your expectations. Deferring to ambiguity when you have a clear objective is dishonest. So tell your potential connections that you and your partner are both looking to connect with the same person to form an exclusive triad. The folks going on dates with you deserve to know what they’re signing up for.
Last piece of advice. Be patient. Like I mentioned earlier, there are fare more unicorn hunters than there are unicorns. So take the time to