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Advice – I found a porn video featuring my high school sweetheart who I am still friends with.

“We used to be pretty good friends when we were in high school about four years ago, and we still talk from time to time (3 to 4 times a week). We had a bit of history together in high school when we kissed a few times but nothing came out of it – we were stuck in some kind of friendzone. I still think very fondly of her. I even told her the other day that I still like her. We went a few days without talking but she eventually wrote back to me and we are doing fine for now. A few weeks back, I found the video online. At first, I thought that it was just a look-alike. So I tried to ignore it, but when I took a closer look and it really was her. I saw some unique marks in her hands and legs. I want to know what I should do. I really care about her as a friend – even more than a romantic partner – and I know that telling her will probably fuck up our friendship. But I also think that she should know what is online so she can take care of the problem and stop trusting those assholes. She is a teacher and where we live, we all know each other. I want to know what is my best option.

I don’t give a fuck about sacrificing our friendship by telling her if telling her is the best thing for her. I just want do my best to make sure that she is fine. If I don’t do anything the video could get lost among the millions of porn videos on the internet. But the person sharing the video online could keep doing it. It is possible that she could also already know what is happening and me telling her could just make it worse as she sees me as a pretty important person to her who she respects a lot. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I can’t imagine a good outcome for her either way. I think that the best thing I can do is tell her so she can cut her losses short which will probably include me. Can somebody give me a different perspective, please? Please specify your gender as it is important.”

Anonymous on /r/relationship_advice.

Photo by Kate Amos on Pexels.com

Dear Anonymous,

There is a lot to unpack here. And I actually think the porn video that you found is the least of your worries. A lot of the advice you received in reddit focused a lot on whether or not you should let your friend know that there is a porn of her out there. I agree with their assessment – she does have a right to know. But I am not convinced that it should come from you.

I’m not sure you recognized but there is this really interesting way you use your words. There are really subtle intentions buried between your words that you refuse to engage with on any material level.

You say that you used to be romantically involved with this person in high school, and that you were stuck in some kind of friendzone with her. You also said that you confessed your feelings to her a while back, which was met with several days of no contact. So I get the sense that you still have quite intense unrequited feelings for her. Based on what you’ve shared, I’m not sure if she has outright told you she doesn’t have the same kind of feelings for you or if you ignored what she did say with you. Either way, it is time for you to accept that you need to set some adult boundaries around her so that you don’t continually make her feel uncomfortable with your feelings. She is clearly not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. If you keep developing feelings, learn to keep her at a distance.

You also talked about how she seemed to be inebriated in the porn video where she is fucking multiple guys at once. Or that you might contact her therapist to let the therapist handle it. Those are both incredible mental leaps you are making on her behalf. How many times and how closely did you have to look at that homemade video to determine that she was inebriated? And how do you even know which therapist she has? Both of those are so, so wrong on so many different levels.

Photo by Maris Rhamdani on Pexels.com

But the kicker was this comment.

It is possible that she could also already know what is happening and me telling her could just make it worse as she sees me as a pretty important person to her who she respects a lot.

Do you hear how self-serving and narcissistic you sound here? You have absolutely no regard for how she would actually feel about finding out about her videos being posted online possibly without her explicit consent. Instead, you assert your own claim about how you think you are important to her in your life because she respects you. You even said so yourself: you don’t give a fuck about sacrificing your friendship with her. Does she know that you value your friendship with her so low that you’re willing to stake her claim on this very fragile friendship upon a porn video you masturbated to then subsequently felt guilty about?

Based on the history of the two of you, the romantic relationship you really want to have with her, and your incredibly fragile friendship that just got repaired, you clearly do not have altruistic intent or her best interests at heart. I don’t know if you recognize how creepy it is that you are projecting her intent using your words, words that she hasn’t shared with you. And how weird is it that you are making this a power play about your role in her life. You are being so weird.

If you really feel like it’d be the best for her to know, then please do so anonymously. And refer her to the BADASS army, which is an organization for people who’ve suffered online sexual assault.

And leave her the fuck alone.

Good luck.

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com.

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