“Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about two months ago. She 100% blames me for it and also claims that I cheated on her although this isn’t actually true.
I’m quite interested in Korean culture (Japanese and Chinese culture too though) and where I live there’s a regular meet-up for people who either are Korean or are interested in the culture or want to learn Korean and improve their skills. This is actually where I met my ex-girlfriend since she helps to organise it.
After we broke up I still went to those bi-weekly (usually) meet-ups since I didn’t want to give them up because of her, however she’s been pretty much bullying me at those. Says to me that I shouldn’t come because no one would want me here and tells every girl I talk to that she should know that I’m a cheater and can’t be trusted. This has just further decreased my chances with other women.
I told her that her behavior is silly and childish but she won’t listen and just keeps calling me a cheater. What can I do?”
Dear Winter Shelter,
As a Korean, it always enthuses me to see so many people of so many different cultural backgrounds enjoy the culture I am from. The parts of Korean culture I grew up with went way deeper than the K-pop and the idol craze that a lot of normative Korean culture fans associate it with. But there is a lot there in the Korean history to celebrate its culture and heritage in a very meaningful way that go beyond just the surface.
For whatever the reason is – justified or not – she does not feel comfortable with you attending the same meetups as she does. It is unfortunate, but you could always stop going. Or find a different Korean culture meetup to attend. Or focus a bit more on Japanese and Chinese cultures in the meantime. Or maybe even start & host a new Korean culture celebration meetup of your own.
I mean, I don’t get the sense that you personally enjoy attending a meetup organized by someone who so greatly misunderstands and maintains a toxic attitude towards you for whatever reason – again, justified or not. So you could just establish a personal boundary not to attend meetups where the host is hostile towards you and make you feel personally uncomfortable.
As unfortunate as it is, you can also take this as a learning lesson for yourself as well. There is a good reason why there is a colloquial wisdom not to date in a workplace. If/when things go south, it is very hard to avoid your ex in a space you both frequent. I know this isn’t a workplace, but it is a space that you both frequent. Maybe she’ll change her mind about maintaining a hostile environment for you with time.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you liked my advice for this post, please follow me on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!