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Advice – How can I get over my cheating ex?

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/u/pineapple1715 writes on /r/relationship_advice…

“[She [34F] and I [24F]] were together for three years, lived together for two. We were amazing and everyone loved us together. We were so happy and she planned to propose and took me to try on rings 6 months ago.

Due to immigration reasons I had to go home for 5 months. After 3 months of her being amazing she suddenly got distant and then she came to visit me in my home country and I caught a text between her and one of my friends.

I confronted them and they admitted they started seeing each other behind my back. She told me she “fell out of love with me” but yet was planning my move back and living together and looking at apartments with me.

She brought this girl home to our apartment. Someone who used to be my friend. They both betrayed me. I was so in love with my gf and she destroyed me. Now they’re “talking” and my ex friend blocked me on everything.

Now my ex is telling me she loves me and just dealt with the distance badly and she just convinced herself she fell out of love at the same time she’s still texting my ex friend she cheated with.

I don’t know how to let go of this. I don’t know how to get over this. Please help me. It’s been a month and I have barely slept, barely eaten and I have anxiety all the time. “

Dear Pineapple 1715,

I am really sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like you’ve had a very intimate and intense relationship with this person when it all came crashing down. I really feel for your history with this person, your pain, and the loss of not just the relationship but also the friendship you had with the ex-friend your ex-partner cheated with.

Let’s start with this. You did not do anything wrong in this relationship. You are not responsible for your ex’s mistakes and infidelity. You are also not responsible for your ex’s emotions. Long distance relationships are just really fucking hard to do. I’ve been there. I’ve had a handful of long distance relationships as well. But long distance is NOT an excuse to cheat. I need you to accept that you do not have any personal responsibility in the end of your relationship here.

What you do have a personal responsibility for is to continue to look out for and take care of yourself. Take some time to treat yourself, forgive yourself, and absolve yourself of any guilt you might have over this experience. One of the ways you can take a better care of yourself is by distancing yourself from this incredibly traumatic experience, and allowing yourself patience & time to heal.

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It is time to establish some very firm boundaries regarding your ex. Your ex was not the person you initially fell in love with. If there is a future space for a friendship to develop, it will be a completely new one devoid of any past pains. It’ll be akin to a total transformation, built back up from the barest foundations. Until then, you need to determine if these interactions with your ex are hurting you more than helping you. If you decide that they are doing more harm than heal, consider at least a couple months of complete no-contact while your open wounds close up. If you receive a text, ignore it. If you get an email, set it aside. You will not be held hostage to a series of mistake someone else made. You’ll know if you ever feel ready to get back in contact with your ex. Until then, keep her at a distance.

But mostly, you need to allow yourself time and patience to heal and recover. You might never be the same person you were before this happened. The way your ex has completely and dispassionately taken advantage of your trust is something you are going to have to work on recovering.

You might never truly get over this experience. And that’s okay. Baggages are necessary part of human experience. How else are we supposed to travel through life without our belongings?

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

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