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Advice – How do I get out of honeymoon phase?

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/u/paigenbox writes on /r/relationship_advice…

“My husband [23M] and I [21F] have been married for close to a year now (we also have a 5 month old daughter, idk if that matters or not). I’ve always been in the “honeymoon phase.” I’ve never been with a person like him before, he’s actually extremely sweet and nice and I don’t have to question his love for me. He’s makes me so freaking happy. I’ve been consistently happy for our entire relationship which is huge for me because I used to be depressed.

I’m not complaining that he’s not in it anymore, I know that it’s normal to get out of it after a few months.

I’m just concerned that it will start to cause problems for us.

For example: I get butterflies like you wouldn’t believe when he comes home from work, I get so happy to see him, when I’m waiting for him to come out of the store or something I CONSTANTLY check the door to see if I can see him walk out, I just want to smother him in kisses all the time. I want to spend all my time with him and I know that can be a red flag.

And I’m not saying he doesn’t do the same, he’s extremely loving and sweet. He’s just not in the honeymoon phase anymore.

I know how being too lovey dovey can get annoying. Help!”

Dear Paige N Box,

It is so incredibly endearing to read how deeply you appreciate and love your husband. The incredibly broad and thorough love you have embraced should be celebrated. Your husband is lucky to have a wife who loves him in such a holistic and wholesome way.

I don’t think this is a problem at all.

In the polyverse, we call this phase New Relationship Energy (NRE) phase. For a lot of people, NRE can last from sometime between six months to a couple years. It sounds like you have fallen so completely in love with a new version of him after you got married. That is so delightful.

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There are couple things I do want to suggest.

First is to communicate your appreciations for him in different love languages. I talked a bit about the five love languages in a previous column here. The theory essentially boils down to that there are five different ways in which a person might express affection and appreciation for another: quality time, touch, gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. You and your husband can take a quick quiz here and figure out how to communicate your love better to your husband, and to better understand in what different ways your husband is communicating his love for you.

The second is to consider that the honeymoon phase isn’t just a binary. It is not a state of being. It is much more of a spectrum. I’ve been dating my wife / nesting partner for the past five years. There are still days when I am weak in my knees seeing how quirky and goofy she is, even after these five years. Those moments just come and go, like deep waves beneath the surface of the ocean. Learn to appreciate these deep sense of affection and appreciation of your husband. One way you can stand to utilize your current sense of belonging and wholeness with your husband is to write all your feelings and appreciation down somewhere for posterity. It could be a letter that he can read a couple months from now at your next big anniversary. Or it could be a journal entry you can revisit when things aren’t so straight forward and easy. It’ll be good to set aside these resources for the future.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

Categories: Advice

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1 reply

  1. I don’t look at you still being in the honeymoon phase as a bad thing at all, especially since I’m sure you were lovey dovey with your husband before the two of you even got married…. Also, I feel married issues usually happen when one of the two or both stop doing things on a regular they were doing consistently before married.

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