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Advice – I can't stay hard. [NSFW]

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/u/My4thtry on /r/sex writes…

“I am 35 years old and fairly healthy. I am able to get an extremely hard erection and maintain it pretty well. However, if I decide to switch things up with my wife and it takes more than 30-45 seconds my erection has gone from like 100% down to 25%. There’s times where I don’t masturbate or cum for a few days so I know I’m ready to get some. I’ve tested this and decided to edge for like 10 minutes to where it was a full blown rager and then I’d stop and it’d be gone in 30 seconds.

Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening? It really plays a factor some times when trying to do stuff with my wife. The other day we were doing it missionary for a bit and I pulled out edging to get even hard. We went to switch over to her on top and I was already at half chub and we both got discouraged because we couldn’t get it in.”

Dear My 4th Try,

What if this isn’t a problem?

A lot of cis men in western culture have this really intense fascination/obsession with getting and maintaining an erection throughout the course of sex. I strongly believe that it is perpetuated in modern pornography where the men on screen are able to maintain an erection often for thirty to forty minutes with minimal effort. It is also in all these erectile dysfunction medication ads we see in Golfers Digest magazines and sepia-toned Cialis advertisements on TV. Why are we suddenly so fixated on making the penis become the sole symbol of male sexuality? That is an intense amount of pressure to put on ourselves, for what goal exactly?

I talked about in a previous column about how mental arousal is correlated with physical arousal, but not necessarily linked directly. It is absolutely the case here as well, where you might feel really turned on after not having masturbated for a couple of days but not be able to maintain an erection after thirty seconds. And thirty seconds is a long downtime in the middle of intercourse. This is another thing to consider. You do not need to maintain an erection to orgasm.

A study by Dr. Kacker at Harvard Health suggests that there are three components of male orgasm. First is the emission of secretion from your “testicles, the prostate, and the seminal vesicles” from your urethra. Second is the actual ejaculation, which is defined as the muscular contraction in your pelvic floor muscles. The last part is the mental component of that “build up and release” that crests through the orgasm. The study further goes on to explain that you do not need to maintain an erection to ejaculate or to experience an orgasm.

Photo by Flickr on Pexels.com

Even if we take out the male orgasm component out of your sexual life with your wife, you still have your tongue, finger(s), fist, toys, and strap-on at your disposal if you really want to simulate the actual act of sex without an erection. I think it is unhealthy to associate an absolute erection in context of sex. You can absolutely still have a sexual intercourse without your erect penis entering something.

But since your question was more specifically about maintain a absolute erection in the context of sex, you might consider touching yourself or having your wife touch you in between different positions so that you can maintain penile stimulation. If that doesn’t do enough, you can also consider trying cock rings from online retailers such as Adam and Eve. These sit right around the base of your shaft. These cock rings can keep your bloodflow within your shaft, both to boost your size and to help maintain your erections. Some vibrate also for your mutual pleasure. But I strongly, strongly suggest that you de-anchor your sense of masculinity from your virility.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com.

Categories: Advice

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