“I’m a straight married guy, 50, that loves my wife but we have no sex life. She has medical and emotional reasons and I am tired of making us both feel bad for pushing for a sex life. I’ve stopped even mentioning sex in the slightest way I don’t want to cheat, find another woman or further complicate our lives but I want to have sex with men. In short, I want to be fucked and suck cocks. I do not want to be gay, I just want the D. Or D’s. This would hurt my wife who, for the most part, is not at fault for not wanting sex. I do not want to hurt her. What do I do? I’m fit, generally good looking and not ready to forget about sex.
I know plenty of straight married men have sex with men and keep it discreet. I have no idea how to do this. I just feel like it will end badly and destroy my wife. Life is getting shorter.”
Dear Trixin Out,
I advised on a very recent column how fluid human sexuality and sexual orientation spectrum can be. But a lot of guys misunderstand that male sexuality too is a plane of spectrum. Most men round up to one end (straight), the other end (gay), or the third end (asexual). There is a lot of middle ground on that plane of sexuality that have not yet been completely fleshed out. As men, we are often told, in no uncertain terms and in so many different ways, that our sexuality is static and very often concrete. It’s evident even in your language and the cognitive dissonance between being straight and gay. I would also argue that those straight married men who are having discreet gay sex are actually straight. Please consider that you do not have to necessarily identify as gay or straight, even if you are in a monogamous relationship with your other-gendered partner.
Others have already mentioned and advised that seeking sex outside of your monogamous marriage with your wife would constitute infidelity. And I agree. What is more alarming is in the mismatch in the sexual chemistry between you and your wife. Since you and your wife are feeling so far disconnected in your relationship to the point that you don’t feel safe discussing sex, it might be a more beneficial point to discuss and reforge a path to become more comfortable discussing sex and sexuality with your wife. Develop the communicative chemistry and be courageous in communicating your mismatching needs in this relationship. I hope you can get more comfortable discussing your interest in same sex relationships with your wife.
Life is too short to live in denial of the life you want to live. So recognize your own needs, be honest about yourself, and pursue your own life in the best, most ethical way.
Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.
I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at email@example.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!