Menu Home

Advice – I don’t get wet anymore. [NSFW]

Photo by Archie Binamira on Pexels.com

/u/tatterednotes8 on /r/sex writes…

“I am a trauma survivor [23F] and I’ve noticed that I never can get wet even though I’m really excited about having sex. Obviously using lube helps with penetrative sex, but my partner never thinks she is doing anything right bc I don’t get “wet”.

Does anyone have any advice?”

Dear Tattered Notes 8,

Neither you nor your body are responsible for your recent lack of natural lubrication. A lot of people (especially cis-het folks) tend to misunderstand that the physical state of arousal is generally independent from the mental state of arousal. There is usually a correlation between being mentally aroused and physically aroused, and both sometimes echo back to each other (seeing yourself physically aroused can kick your mental arousal into gear, and vice versa). But one does not cause the other. They’re merely correlated.

You mentioned that the majority of your partner’s past experiences were with men whose physical arousal was very strongly correlated with their mental arousal. And she might be internalizing your recent lack of physical arousal to mean something she is doing incorrectly. It might be beneficial to first define the physical state of arousal and the mental state of arousal with your partner, especially since your partner hasn’t had any same sex experience prior to her relationship with you. Your partner needs to come to terms with the idea that your wetness does not define your arousal one way or another; it is merely an indicator for your state of arousal.

If she is reflecting your dryness as something she is doing incorrectly, periodic reassurances to remind her that you are still emotionally and mentally aroused might be helpful as well. But also be kinder to yourself. You’ve gone through a traumatic experience. It will take some mental rewiring and healing for yourself as well.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

Categories: Advice

Tagged as:

teatimewithtomato

1 reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: