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Advice – His girlfriend caught us.

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/u/ThrowRA538362 on /r/relationship_advice writes…

“I [23M] was over at my best friend’s [22M] house. Him and his girlfriend [20F] live together and she wasn’t home because she had gone out with some of her friends.

It was just me and him in the living room, we were just sitting on the sofa, watching whatever tv show was on at the moment, and I just had this weird feeling. Me and him have a sexual history. We had experimented back when we were about 18/19, just some fooling around, nothing much. We had stopped when he got a girlfriend. But on that day I was just feeling something. A feeling that I wanted to try that again.

I sort of just got closer to him and kissed him, I just told him that I wanted to try that again and asked him if he was okay with it. He had told me he was okay with it and well, it progressed from there.

Now his girlfriend came home. We weren’t expecting her to be back at this time but she came home and as soon as she opened the door she saw us. As expected there was a huge fight and I just went home to avoid being in the middle of it.

I haven’t spoken to my friend in a few days, and I think him and his girlfriend are taking a break. I know it is my fault, but I also think he’s in the wrong, he was the one who agreed to it anyway. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I should try talk to them or just take the blame, I feel as if he should be shamed too, since he agreed but I don’t know how to act about this.”

Dear ThrowRA538362,

Part of responsible adulting is in establishing proper and self-enforceable boundaries that allow you to lead a healthy and impeccable life for yourself and others. You are responsible for approaching your best friend knowing that this was going to be unethical to do so. The moment you realized you wanted to try more with your best friend, you should have recognized that it was going to be wrong to approach your best friend while he was in a monogamous relationship with his girlfriend. You should have acknowledged its awkwardness and stepped away if necessary. You did it anyway, knowing doing so will hurt someone else. You are responsible for their pain as well as your own. You are also responsible for the possible dissolution of the friendship between you and your best friend.

Your best friend also made a big mistake in fostering and consenting to these acts of infidelity with you. Once he recognized that engaging with you will hurt his girlfriend, he should have had the presence of mind to halt it from escalating and step away if necessary. It was his responsibility to recognize that this would have hurt his respective connections with both you and his girlfriend. He did it anyway, knowing doing so will hurt someone else. He is responsible for their pain as well as your own.

What I am more surprised by is in a distinct lack of responsibility in your post. The way your retelling of that night unfolded, it was a very dry retelling of events. You are both in the wrong. You have both made really big mistakes. It ultimately doesn’t matter if he agreed to it because you initiated it and followed through after his consent. The way you are offloading your own responsibility in the pain you have directly caused your friend and his girlfriend is not healthy. Learn to sit in that discomfort, take responsibility for what you have done, and commit to doing better next time. Give your friend and his partner time to recover and heal after this. If there is a friendship to recover after this, it’ll take both of you to set some proper boundaries with clearer intentions. Both. Of. You.

We all humans, and all humans make mistakes. It doesn’t matter who has had a bigger slice of shit-pie. You still had a slice of that shit-pie.

Good luck.

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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