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Advice – My sexual anxiety makes me a bad partner. [NSFW]

Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery on Pexels.com

/u/purplecatuniverse on /r/sex writes…

“I’ve [20sF] considered that settling down with someone asexual might be the best route for me, because the pressures of sex during a relationship is just seeming not worth it anymore.

Firstly, I hate feeling like I have to be prepared to have sex at any moment. Sometimes I just want to chill with my boyfriend without worrying about being fresh and clean to the nines, waxed, with a glistening vagina.

Secondly, I’ve always been quiet during sex. I’m not a loud person anyway, I don’t scream when I see my friends or shout at football games. And I’ve always felt that I should just be myself during sex without fake moaning/screaming/etc. I’ve told this to each of my past partners and they all say of course, why would they want me to fake it?

When the first person I had sex with complained that my lack of noise making made him soft because he was paranoid I wasn’t enjoying myself, I dismissed it (he was an asshole in general). But since then, every guy I’ve been with, asshole or not, has said the same. I’ve accepted that the problem is me, but there’s not much I can do about it. So every time I have sex now I worry that I’m not seeming into it enough, which just takes me out of the mood.

And thirdly, speaking of being taken out of the mood, is it odd that after 15 minutes I just want it to be over? It’s not that I’m not enjoying myself, but sex takes up so much time. Seriously. I don’t know how people have sex daily or weekly and get shit done. During sex, I’m constantly thinking about things I have to do that I won’t have time to do if it goes on another hour.

And lastly, I’ve never had an orgasm but I’ve decided that I’m definitely never telling a guy that again. They immediately feel obliged to be the one in a million man that can make it happen. The reality is I’ve probably never had an orgasm because I’m so fucking anxious all the time, so I’ve never experienced the headspace other women manage to enter to have an orgasm. And as someone who received no sex ed, I somehow didn’t know that women cumming was a thing at all until sometime between my first and second partner. So I apparently also just don’t know enough about my body. This all usually leads to a man going down on me passionately, while I’m staring at the ceiling feeling unworthy.

Anyone relate/any advice?”

Dear Purple Cat Universe,

There are many things in this post that I’d like to discuss.

But first. I would like to free you from the notion that you are owed sex and intimacy that does not also feel gratifying and pleasurable to you. You do not have to have a moist, glistening vagina, always ready for a penetrative intercourse with the next hard cock in your vicinity. Intercourse is a portion of sex. Sex is a portion of intimacy. And intimacy is a portion of love and relationships. This obviously comes with a major caveat that there are many who enjoy the act of sex and intercourse without the intimacy that comes with relationships. But the fact of the matter is that the extent of your sexual headspace does not have to revolve around “always being ready for sex.” It doesn’t work that way for a lot of people. And it doesn’t seem to work that way for you.

Second. Have you ever considered that perhaps being more quiet in the bedroom could be a turn-on for others? You should never need to fake anything you are not into. Much like sex, your partners are not owed your moans. Your partners did a great disservice to you by projecting their sexual disconnect onto what you personally feel comfortable doing for yourself. And that is not fair. I’ve had many conversations with many men who’ve struggled to maintain an erection in a sexual scenario. And my go-to advice for these men who feel like they owe a hard penis to their partners is to ask them why a hard penis is a necessity for you to enjoy having sex with your partner? So I’ll ask you the same question. Why are your moans necessary for your partners to enjoy having sex with you? The way I see it, the way you enjoy sex is for you only. And if they can’t accept you the way you are, I see it as a sexual mis-chemistry. Whatever you want to do differently for different partners should be your own decision only, and only at your own discretion. But like I said, it could be a turn on for many others for you to be more quiet in sex as well. So why not own your quietness and be with people who find that part of you sexy & irresistible?

Photo by Irina Iriser on Pexels.com

The next two points sort of go hand-in-hand.

Your headspace regarding time allotted for sex is really interesting. It sounds like you have an incredibly structured way of looking at life responsibilities. And from your description, it sounds like sex feels a bit like another chore you need to have done. Almost like taking a dog out for walk. And that is a very dangerous mindset to have regarding sex and intimacy.

Like I mentioned before, sex and intimacy go far beyond just sexual intercourse. Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, five hours… it’s all just numbers. What matters more is whether or not you are having fun while being intimate with your partner. Most of your post describes someone who is having sex on behalf of someone else consuming your body. How often do you have sex for yourself? Just completely selfishly because you wanted it?

Like you recognized, the main motivation behind seeking a relationship with someone on the ace spectrum is the aversion to pressure and performance anxiety. That pressure to orgasm is intense and deeply unhealthy. And you might benefit from being with someone with a low or no libido who is not going to pressure you for sex. But you do not necessarily have to be with someone on the ace spectrum to be with someone who is going to take you as you are. Maybe you could also benefit from being someone who would prefer you to take a lead role in intimacy. That way, there is a lot less pressure for you to appease your partner, and you can re-focus instead on what you personally prefer. You probably aren’t a bad sexual partner. You just haven’t met many who are compatible with you to make you realize what a great partner you can be.

You love the people you think you deserve. So stop settling for selfish partners who pressure you to perform. Instead, seek partners who can be as patient and invigorate you the way you like.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

Categories: Advice

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2 replies

  1. Dear Reader, go out and buy, then read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. Tomato, you should read it too, even though you have a clear understanding of things, this adds science.

    Liked by 1 person

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