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Advice – I started messaging others.

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/u/nebstheunicorn_ on /r/relationship_advice writes…

“I [31F] and my bf [35M] have been together a year’s. Very happy in every department but sex, I’m extremely unsatisfied and I’ve told him this many times and there’s been minimal effort put in on his part. So I was bored in the hospital for 2 weeks and got on Kik to talk to randoms… I really hit it off with J and it quickly became sexual. With sexually explicit conversations exchanging of videos and pic etc. So my bf went on my phone to check out football scores on my phone. He texted me one morning saying I’ve given you a week to tell me and you have not. Now he’s straight up is ignoring me. We live together. I keep asking him to talk. Last night he said he wasn’t in the mood and today hes ignoring me. I told him I cut things off with J. I’m fucking lost here. Just floating because he won’t talk to me. I don’t know wtf to do.”

Dear Nebs the Unicorn,

So you cheated.

Since you are here asking for honest advice, I will give you an honest feedback. I will assume that you do want to work through this with your partner since you’re asking for advice. I am also going to assume here that you have no motivation to lie or fabricate parts of your story.

I’m not sure in what different ways you’ve communicated your needs with your partner, and whether or not there was a concerted effort on your partner’s part to listen to and follow up on your unmet needs. I also do not know if you would have ever come clean about your emotional/sexual affair with J on your own timing, if your partner never found out. Those are questions only you and your partner can answer. It might already be too late if your partner refuses to communicate with and remain adamant against repairing this relationship with you. If so, all you can do is damage control in hopes that your betrayal of his trust will eventually be placated over time. That in itself is your price of admission to remain in this relationship, again, which I am assuming you are willing to pay here since you are here.

I don’t think the core problem here is in the infidelity, believe it or not. I think the core issue here is you not thoroughly communicating your needs and his not closely listening to your needs when they were communicated. Focus on that feeling and try your best. And accept that your best might still not be enough.

Good luck.

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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