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Advice – My MIL disapproves.

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/u/Jypsy13 on /r/polyamory asks…

“My mother in law is not okay with my husband having both a wife and a girlfriend. It boggles my mind because I thought the only opinion that mattered was mine and that can be found at the corner of Couldn’t and Care Less. Does anyone have any advice on getting a someone to come around? Or is it better to just let that elephant in the corner be? 🤷🏻‍♀️”

Dear Jypsy13,

I am really sorry to hear that your mother-in-law disapproves of your husband’s relationships. I gave an advice last month about the process of coming out to your folks. The overarching advice was to think about the pros and cons of coming out and socially embrace polyamorous relationship in front of your folks.

This definitely falls on your husband’s area of responsibility. This is his mother, and his relationship with his mother to manage. If you want to maintain a relationship with your MIL, then that too is your separate relationship to manage on your own which may or may not run tangent to your husband’s objective.

I’ll also add here that your mother-in-law is allowed to feel the way she feels. Polyamory as a relationship orientation and identity is incredibly new, and to expect complete and utter acceptance is a lot to ask out of our parents. And while your MIL’s consent is not relevant to your husband’s relationship orientation, she can definitely consent to and set up boundaries around hearing about your husband’s relationships. If that means that your MIL misses out on a significant portion of your husband’s life, then that is your MIL’s price of admission to live in a state of plausible deniability that you and your husband have a monogamous relationship.

Again, I am really sorry that you and your husband are going through this. But perhaps giving her some time might be helpful in letting her develop her own comfort level and/or boundaries regarding your husband’s relationship orientation.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com.

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