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Advice – Should I be more interested in casual?

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/u/wimble_wamble on /r/polyamory writes…

“I’m 21 and I’ve only ever slept with two people – my current partner and my ex (both of which were quite serious relationships). Usually this doesn’t really bother me but lately I’ve been dating and I dunno.. I just don’t seem to get into casual sexual situations. I’m not even sure if I want to? Like when I meet people I don’t put myself out there in a way that gives off like… Sexual energy I guess?

It makes me feel like something’s maybe wrong with me or something. I don’t have any trouble getting dates and people are attracted to me, but I find it really difficult to initiate anything and I think I give off vibes that I don’t want people to initiate anything with me? Idk. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help but look at how my partner quite often seems to get into sexual situations and wonder how that happens? It just doesn’t seem to happen for me

Idk. I guess I’m really intrigued by casual sex and casual relationships but never seem to make it happen. This is a bit rambly, but anyone have any advice on what I should do? Like should I just accept that I don’t really do casual sex? Or could it be that I’m holding myself back & repressing myself?”

Dear Wimble Wamble,

Why try to fix what ain’t broke?

Casual sex can be great when it works out. Compartmentalizing the emotional aspect of sex away from the physical act of sex can feel very rewarding. But casual sex is by no means a necessity in modern dating. It is a common saying around these parts that different people love differently. And you do not need to love others the same way your partner loves others. There are many who love and clearly pursue casual sexual encounters. And there are many who strongly prefer and only pursue intense emotional encounters. Sex (and, as a subset, intercourse) lies on a larger plane of intimacy you may or may not want to pursue. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have casual sex encounters, especially if you don’t feel comfortable pursuing those channels. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not liking durian-flavored candies, for a very personal example.

It might be prudent to communicate with your new dates and connections that sexual attraction might take some time to establish. Part of the fun in polyamorous relationships is in making deep and meaningful connections with many people, and it is not at all anchored in sex. So understand and accept that your form of love is just as valid, real, and appreciated by many others as your partners’ forms of love. And just keep being you. You too deserve to be loved the way you desire to be.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

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