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Advice – My husband is gay.

/u/THROWRA1927_A on /r/relationship_advice writes…

“Husband and I have been together since we were 14, we are 25 now married for three years with a daughter and he’s a great father.

He’s the best husband, he cooks, he cleans, he irons, he makes sure me and our daughter are happy, he works hard and is overall perfect.

He’s been stressed out lately and I finally confronted him and asked.

He told me that he can’t hide it anymore and that he’s gay, all the worlds left my mind and I don’t know what to say – he said he didn’t want to leave me and didn’t want me to leave unless I’ll be happy and he’ll still be able to see our daughter as often and that mine and our daughters happiness comes over his own all the time without a doubt.

So, do I stay with him? I want to stay with him but I can’t force him to stay with me, I love him I really do and I wanna stay.”

Photo by Bibhash Banerjee on

Dear THROWRA1927_A,

Your complete and honest open mind to this massive change in your relationship with your husband is seriously impressive. You are an incredible human being. I also want to commend your husband for his immense strength to admit to and embrace his sexuality. Good for both of you.

I think my advice to you here depends heavily on these two questions. What does this mean for your sex life with your husband? Are either of you open to having ethically non-monogamous relationships?

If this means the end of your and your husband’s sex life without any possibility of opening up, then it might be the best to separate while you two can continue to explore sexual intimacy with other people without the monogamy agreement.

However, if you are both open to new partners, you two can still stay married as great co-parents without the sexual component to your relationship. Nine years is a long time that you’ve been with this man, and it looks like it is now time to fall in love with a different version of him. This does not necessarily have to be an end to your relationship with your husband. Marriage used to mean so much more than this romantic monogamous ideal our media perpetuates. There is a plenty of gray area here that you can choose to explore with your husband, together and confidently. For both of you. It might not be the easiest path, but it is certainly a very worthwhile and rewarding path to pursue.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

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