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Advice – Jealousy Issues

/u/ isthisusernamegoodRA on /r/relationship_advice asks…

“Me [21M] and my gf [21F] have been talking for about 6 months and have been dating for three and most of her friends are guys, I 100% trust her that she’d never do anything to hurt our relationship but I just get jealous sometimes that she talks to other guys and I don’t know why.

One of her guy friends she talks to the most is a friend she’s had since middle school and the other two happen to be my best friends because they get along well and I’m really happy about that because friendships with my best friends are important to me.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on how not to be so jealous or how not to overthink everything in a bad way because I really do trust her and she’s never given me a reason not to, she’s even cut off guys that claimed to be her friend but eventually wanted more so it gives me even more of a reason to trust her. I just don’t know how to get over the jealousy.”

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Dear isthisusernamegoodRA,

Jealousy can be a very intense feeling. It often overwrites, overwhelms, and overpowers our sense of logic and trust in our partners. It makes us hyperfocused on the worst parts of our insecurity and asserts a sense of urgency to a problem that can rarely be resolved right away. It can be a very toxic emotion to harbor as it often leads to either pawning off your own emotional labor onto your partner or drives short-lived action points. And addressing those feelings upfront here will be critical to your relationship’s survival.

I sense some cognitive dissonance from your post. On one hand, you say you completely trust your girlfriend. But then you go on to explain the parts of jealousy you struggle with. It might be beneficial to sit in your next bout with jealousy and see what comes out of that particular fight.

Consider that jealousy is a feeling. An intense one, but still just a feeling. It is a temporary feeling based on your state of insecurity and weakness. Dismissing it or not allowing it to breathe will make it fester. So weigh it on your palms and talk to it. Figure out where the source of this jealousy lies. If it is regarding her time and connections with her friends, understand that she has had these connections long before she became your partner, and will continue to foster friendships outside of her relationship with you. Recognize that there are insecurities that play hand-in-hand with your jealousy. Jealousy will help shine a light on those nasty, ugly insecurities. So take advantage of this heat to focus on and address those insecurities! And then embrace that jealousy and let it dissipate.

You might also benefit from communicating with your girlfriend once you’ve processed these moments of jealousy. She can help celebrate your success however minor or major.

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com. If you liked my advice for this post, please subscribe below to get alerted when my next advice column is published!

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