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Advice – How can I become more selfless? [NSFW]

/u/WaywardLoop on /r/sex writes…

“I [26F] am hoping to get some advice to improve myself, and how to stop being such a selfish person when it comes to sex. I realise I am selfish in the bedroom, and I want to change that. However, I have been finding this surprisingly difficult to deal with.

I should start by explaining what I mean by selfish. I find it very difficult to get interested or motivated to do something that doesn’t benefit/pleasure me. For example, I absolutely love receiving oral sex. But, when it comes to giving oral sex to a guy, I have zero drive. Like, if I force myself to do it, I just feel tired and unenthused. I can pretend to be enthusiastic but I just lose all sex drive and we usually end up stopping.

It’s the same for most things that don’t give me pleasure. Giving a hand job just feels boring and unsexy. I tried pegging with my boyfriend, and as nice as it was to see him enjoy himself, the novelty wore off in the first few minutes, and after that I was just phoning it in and hoping he will hurry up and want to stop. I don’t enjoy anal sex myself, so I never want to do it. And the other thing is, once I orgasm, I’m done. I am exhausted and have zero interest in continuing, which doesn’t help when I am trying to be less selfish.

And I should mention, this isn’t a new issue. I have pretty much been selfish with every partner. Most guys have never had a problem with this, but I still feel bad about it. I think a lot of it boils down to 2 things. My first partner I ever had was very much of the mindset that the woman’s pleasure is the only thing that matters, so everything we did was all about me. The other thing I think has to do with is the way sex was presented to me. Everything I remember seeing growing up was always about the woman’s pleasure over the man’s. All of those silly women’s magazine drive this point home. I’ve read guides about sex where girl is expected to receive multiple orgasms before the man gets 1. I’ve seen/heard the book ‘She comes first’ recommended on so many sex forums (even reading on this sub). I guess it all just kinda adds up and builds this selfish mindset I have developed.

I really want to improve and move away from this selfish mindset, but it’s not as easy as I had hoped. Any advice for me to move past this and start giving as much as I take?”

Photo by Abdel Rahman Abu Baker on Pexels.com

Dear WaywardLoop,

Not a lot of people know exactly what they want in bed. The scope of sexuality is immense and everexpanding. To expect everyone to know exactly what they want in bed would eliminate so much of what makes sex fun: in the exploration and conquest of the unknown. Your perspective on sex is so curious because our society sometimes seems so hellbent on assigning binary quality to male sexuality as a purely orgasmic exercise. And your perspective here is so unique because of that subversion.

So here is a new idea: what if the selfishness isn’t a problem?

You sound like a person who knows exactly what they want. And while I don’t condone complete selfishness in bed (balance is the key), being a sexual glutton can have its appeals as well – especially for people who desire your structure in their sexual space. It is perfectly okay to be open minded and want to even out that pleasure scale. And if you really desire a more fair balance, you can always think of sex as an exploration. It can be a journey to experience something new for the sake of newness. And keeping an open mind for that which you don’t know might provide some space for you to explore what it might be like to give to your partner.

However, I honestly do not subscribe to that idea that all things in relationships have to be even or equal. They just have to be equitable and acceptable for the people in that relationship. Leaning into that sexual glutton role can be fun as well. “I know how to please myself. So I am going to teach you a thing or two in bed.” is an interesting power exchange/dynamic that your selfishness can take advantage of. Remember, informed consent is the magical sprinkle that makes the world go round. If you have consenting partners who just love to give and don’t care about “keeping things even,” why not learn to embrace and celebrate that magical match you’ve found?

Good luck!

Tea Time with Tomato is an informative relationship and sex advice column for both monogamous and polyamorous folks. By submitting your post, you agree to let me use your story in part or in full. You also agree to let me edit or elaborate for clarity.

I want to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please feel free to send me your questions and comments at teatimetomato@gmail.com.

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