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Advice – How to deal with NRE?

/u/eldritchman on /r/polyamory asks…

“How do you all deal with New Relationship Energy? I want to hear your stories! My girlfriend has another boyfriend and girlfriend, but her two men have nobody else. I don’t want to go seeking somebody as a need-fulfillment exercise. The obvious answers are just maximizing my alone time, and lowering my expectations, but I’m interested in the personal experiences of this community, so please speak up.”


Dear eldritchman,

I think “How do I deal with NRE?” is the wrong question to ask here. The better question to ask here is “How do I ask for what I want?”

How do you examine and define a “need-fulfillment exercise?” And why is that represented in such a negative connotation? What is so wrong with asking for what you need in your life?

I get the sense based on your other replies that you generally turn more inwards when your needs are not getting met. You are right. Generally, the proper advice is to focus on yourself and continue to treat yourself as your own primary partner. But I also don’t think that there is anything wrong with acknowledging your own needs, communicating those identified needs, and determining contingency plans to address those needs internally or action plans to mitigate those needs externally.

Sit down and dissect the source of your own feelings and focus on whether they can be addressed by yourself through self-care or if you need help from your partner to address it. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging and communicating with your partner your own needs that are not being fully addressed. You would only be doing yourself a disservice to disregulate your own emotions and only look internally for your own solutions.

Good luck!

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